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Transcript:
Our new series is "Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk."
It is the dreaded conversation of adult children who find themselves in the difficult position as caregivers for their parents as we grow older.
Today's topic is driving. How do you know when it's time to ask your parents for their car keys and how do you go about doing it?
Let's start with an example of how NOT to do it, from the TV show, "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Raymond:
You're right, you're right, he shouldn't be driving the kids. He shouldn't be driving at all.
Dad:
What are you blubbering about?
Raymond:
You. You. You are a terrible driver.
Dad:
I am a great driver!
Raymond:
Dad, we almost got hit!
Dad:
He was in my blind-spot.
Raymond:
A 20-car funeral procession? That's not a blind-spot, Dad, that's west.
So with more on the RIGHT way to talk to our parents about this is GMA (Good Morning America) Life and Family Contributor Lee Woodruff. And you do live life with that big family of yours.
Lee:
Woe, lots going on.
GMA (Good Morning America Interviewer):
This really hit home for you, didn't it.
Lee:
Well, we are the sandwich generation. I still have the kids at home, we still have the parents. This is a really big issue, because driving means independence for our parents and for us. So there is a lot to deal with here.
GMA:
And you had to do this with your dad a couple of years ago?
Lee:
Yes, my dad, too. And your mom, as well. But I love that clip, because it is really NOT the way to do it.
GMA:
So, what are the signs? What do we look for as the kids, to know that it is time to hang up the keys? And you say, "Hang up the keys," make it positive.
Lee:
Hang up the keys. I did a lot of research on this. I talked to the folks at AARP. We have to change the way we have this conversation. It is not, "Take away the keys," or "Give up the keys." It is, "Hang up the keys." What this does is make our parents really feel like they are part of the decision.
And this is a conversation you need to have early on, before it becomes an issue.
The signs are, for example, close calls.
What if your parent is saying to you, "I got lost going to the store," or "Could you believe it, I went down the wrong road?"
Or what if there are dings and dents that they do not remember how they got on the car.
I know your mom lives down south and she is not local to you. But where possible, make a visit and try to drive with your parents, so you can see with your own eyes and experience how they are driving.
GMA:
When she would pick me up from the airport, which is how I would judge how she was doing. She is 85 now and it is about independence. You don't want to give up that independence. It is so difficult.
Lee:
One of the things AARP says, and I think this is brilliant, is to come to them with solutions. There are so many ways to have this conversation.
I think one of the most important things to do is to figure out who is the best person to tell your folks.
50% of people would rather hear this from their spouse. They would rather hear their husband or wife say, "Honey, let's talk about our driving."
The next most popular is the physician.
The third is the adult children. The see-saw has turned and suddenly your are like the parent.
So you can come at it from a medical perspective, coming up with things to say such as, "Mom, how does that new glasses prescription affect your driving?" Or,
"What does your doctor say about that medication? Are you OK to drive on that?"
Or for me, at 50, I don't want to drive at night so much anymore, so I've said to my mom, "I hate driving at night. How are you feeling about driving at night these days?" Or,
"Mrs. Smith stopped driving. How do you feel about that? How do you think she's feeling? How do you feel about that for yourself?"
You can do it in ways that promote the conversation. Ultimately, you can make it about safety.
GMA:
You can think about ways to have that conversation. For us, it was the doctor. It was because of the medications mom was taking and that helped us a little bit.
With your father, there is an assessment. There is something you can do to assess how they are driving.
Lee:
Yes, what we did with my dad was to start out by setting limits. For instance, with dad we started out by only doing local driving. You can do things like not driving at night, or not driving in certain weather conditions.
My dad was really wonderful about it in the end. But it was a difficult issue at first. This is a generation that always went out for a Sunday drive. Dad always get in the drivers seat and mom gets in next to him.
What we did was, we made a deal. We said, "How about if we take you to an independent driving place? If they say you are still OK to drive, we will back off. If they say, "It is time to hang up the keys," you need to listen.
Hanging up the car keys
He agreed. He was surprised at the results. He was not as good a driver as he thought. We all ended up happy campers.
GMA:
You have done such great work with this, Lee, in talking to several different people. Parents want to be independent and sometimes they feel like they cannot afford to give up the car and still be independent. One of the great things you found out is if you crunch the numbers, giving up the keys may not be so bad.
Lee:
Absolutely. Come to them with solutions. Say, "Here, mom, here is the senior center number." You can say, "Here are the mass transit solutions." And, "Here is how much you would save if you gave that car up! Here is how much you would save on gas and maintenance and such. You may actually have enough for taxis," or a driver or whatever the solution may be.
But come to them with those numbers already crunched. You can find that spreadsheet on the AARP website.
GMA:
Thanks so much, Lee. So how is your dad doing?
Lee:
He is fabulous. I saw them yesterday in Boston. They are all great.
GMA:
You are blessed.
Lee:
Your mom?
GMA:
She's doing great. She's been fighting it a little. It was hard for her, but she understands. People from her church help out, there are different ways to find people.
Lee:
There are solutions and you need to work with them. It will be OK.
When should a person with Alzheimer’s stop driving? Is it always necessary? After all, to some people it can represent a devastating loss of independence.
When should a person with Alzheimer’s stop driving? Is it always necessary? After all, to some people it can represent a devastating loss of independence.