Coping tips: My husband keeps repeating the same question
As my husband asks me the same question for the "umpteeth" time and my nerves start screaming I have decided to ask any of you how you handle it. I am always calm and gently answer but my insides are churning and I wonder how many days, months, years I can continue this. Any suggestions?
Sue
It sometimes helps to use light meditation techniques when coping with repeated stress. This means reaching inside yourself for a place of serenity (any place you can visualize that gives you that feeling works fine), using slow breathing and submerge yourself for a minute or two in that environment. Then come back and respond.
You can also says, "In a minute' and not necessarily answer every single time.
One minute...one hour...one day at a time. Hard, isn't it? Sometimes I may just lightly breeze over the answer to the many times asked question, and quickly change the subject, especially to something that may make my Mom smile or laugh as we talk. A happy memory sometimes is enough to sidetrack her from the repetitive questioning.
Even so, stress is still inevitable, I know. I try to slip out of the room on an "errand" like throwing another load in the washer (gives me time to turn on my radio for a song or two), going to the bathroom (where I use my new lip mask and balm from Mary Kay!!! for a minute or two to take a breather), or taking a bag out to the garbage can for a breath of fresh air!
I also found that getting out some of my old photo albums is a good diversion for Mom when she seems to be on a bout of the questions...it gives her something else to focus on.
Hope a couple of these thoughts may help. Wishing you well, remember to take care of the caregiver!
hello
i feel your pain and it also drives me nuts,, my husband gets on six hour tirades, !!! i try diversionary tactics sometimes to the tenth power and they all fail,, !!so i put on his favorite music and just tune him out,, i cook alot and drink some wine, and just keep saying sure,, yeah right ,, no problem., this works alot of nights and when it does not, i take out the trash, clean keep saying "sure"" then if all else fails call myfamily and that interupts him for awhile as he listens in,, it is relentless and so hard i know, i pray constantly and still have not utilized the tranquilzers the doctor gave me as last resort ,, though the way things are going will have to start utilizing them soon as his sundowners is "awful" again, the nemenda stopped it for awhile but that has worn off now so i need new meds as the evenings are becoming unbearable again.. scared of the new meds as they say they diminish the lucidity but that is already very diminished,, hang in there and keep trying new things, i always keep an arsenal of free rented old time movies from the library ,, have watched easter parade and singing in the rain one hundred times but it helps calm him and i love the upbeat movies too, usually i read an inspirational book or the bible while we "watch " the movie so i get my peace that way, it does not always work but it helps.. right now he is a little stressed .. i am playing his favorite frank sinatra tapes and talking as i write,, its all awful but we will pull through eh??? every person reacts differently all the timeso all you can do is try new things.. all the time.. sometimes they work majic and the next day they dont,, it is so unpredictable,,, thats where the stress and heartbreak come in,, he can change in an instant,,, we are fine and then "bang" its like instant change into insanity ,, usually i can pick up on the change coming but i cant stop it,,
good luck,, pray and hang in there and get planty of good support around you from support groups and family and friends, just talking it out helps,, i had very little and see now how more would have really helped.. you cant change your situation just how you try to deal with it,,
god bless you and hang in there,, oh and listen to upbeat music and sing sing sing ,,,, i garden and walk the dog and relish every minute in nature i can grasp ... and go to church and pray endlessly,,, it all helps,, my prayers are with you ,,,
god be with you always in your times of need, reciting the lords prayer helps me alot too.. it is calming and meditative,,
Here is something from Canada's Alzheimer Society that has a little bit of a different outlook that may or may not help. Hope it does.
~~~
My mother repeats the same thing or asks the same question over and over. What's this all about and how can I cope?
Listening to your mother repeat the same phrase or question over and over can be frustrating. One thing to remember is that it is the disease that makes a person forget what she has said five minutes ago -- your mother isn't doing this to aggravate you. Depending on what she is saying, the repetition might be an indication that she has some unmet need or is anxious about something. Try to figure out if she needs something or is anxious about anything in particular. Or try distracting her with another activity.
Thanks to all of you who wrote suggestions and feelings. It is a wonderful feeling to have people who really do understand. Due to not having a lot of support, it's nice to be in this group. I appreciate and will try the suggestions.
Thanks, again. Sue
What if the shoe was on the other foot. What if your spouse had to take care of you. Do you think it would bother him? I don't know but my spouse gave me 50yrs. and still is giving me more. It just seems a little harder than before. She took care of me and now its my turn. I'm sorry for my reply, but our life was for "better or worst", remember.
Wayne
My husband was having problems at night 'sundowning" and his dr put him on a small dose of lexapro at night. This helped tremendously. We have had to increase the medication after about 2 months but it is such a relief to just be able to go to bed without all the accusations and arguments and he goes right to sleep. He was having hallucinations and accusing me of all kinds of things and this happened mostly at bedtime but the lexapro has stopped this for about 3 months so far. I hope this helps.
I used to get upset when my husband would ask the same question over and over again. This has been going on for six or seven years now, though he was diagnosed with AD only last year.
When I found out his problem was AD (rather than just trying to get my goat, which used to be one of his games), I started reading about this condition. Two books in particular helped me change my attitude: "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" and "Alzheimer's from the Inside Out". Even though I am not by nature a patient sort of person, somehow my perspective shifted with greater understanding, and now I seem to just "go with the flow" when the questions persist.
I give my husband short matter-of-fact answers with no emotional baggage attached, no matter how many times he asks. Just getting answered seems to help him, I guess because to him it means he is communicating successfully, still connecting to me (whoever I might be; he doesn't always know). That's why I never ignore the questions.
It's really hard to be reminded over and over this way that one's loved one has AD, and it is scarey. I hope you find a way to be at peace with this aspect of AD.
I think many times we forget that the husband/wife, family or friend with Alzheimer's Dementia is really just trying to hang on to a sense of their reality that is left.
The repetative question is their way of letting us know they are still there, wanting an answer. While it may be annoying to us now, there will come a day that you long for their voice and the repetive question again.
Redirection works well for this as does making a photo collage with the answer to the question. The collage then serves as a tool to spur other converstions and of course more questions.
I think meeting the person where they are is of most importance. If you can validate their feelings and answer their questions they may be content with that at least for awhile.
As my husband asks me the same question for the "umpteeth" time and my nerves start screaming I have decided to ask any of you how you handle it. I am always calm and gently answer but my insides are churning and I wonder how many days, months, years I can continue this. Any suggestions?
Sue
I know what your going through,my gran has been doing that a lot. She has just been diognosed. All me and my mum do is awnswer and let it wash over us. That might not help you but we are allways there for the ones we love. Take care Liam
Wow Suejim-you have really started a great topic. I understand completely where you are coming from, and my husband no longer speaks words so we are past it now but one thing that might help is to answer a question with a question- like this--"Where is my mother? " " Do you miss those apple pies that she makes? Lets make an apple pie. " You might be able to shift the subject for a few minutes, and I know it is hard, but be thankful that he is trying to make conversation with you. I usually had some hand work to do, I do beadwork, and he would sit and talk to me, none of it made sence, but I would concentrate on what I was doing and occasionally throw in a comment-he never noticed but thought we were carrying on a great conversation. Believe it or not, but now I miss those days. GOd bless, and hang in there girlfriend!
God bless everyone for their thoughts... it helps to not be alone if only for a short time and to know that someone understands... it takes time to learn how to respond... then just when an ans works... a new one is needed... thank you.
My husband also asks the same questions over and over. I took a savvy caregivers course here in Colorado. She said that if they knew the answer they wouldn't ask the questions. SO I answer him every time and then go to the bathroom for deep breathing. I too, get overwhelmed and anxious and I am doing my best to cope twith what is going on. I have put my husband in adult day care for two days a week. That has helped, although, leaving him there the first day was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I realize ; you must take care of yourself in order to take care of your spouse.
What if the shoe was on the other foot. What if your spouse had to take care of you. Do you think it would bother him? I don't know but my spouse gave me 50yrs. and still is giving me more. It just seems a little harder than before. She took care of me and now its my turn. I'm sorry for my reply, but our life was for "better or worst", remember.
Wayne
Not really sure you understood. I stated I was calm and patient, with my husband. We also have been married for many years and my commitment to him is real. Just thought someone may have some coping ideas. No matter what anyone says, this is NOT easy.
Sue
I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood. I know it is not easy and again I'm sorry. Maybe when I gave you an answer, it could have been a bad day for me.
sorry again.
We sort of make a game of the repeated questions. I just say calmly, that is the second time you have asked that question and you really only get three times for me to answer it and he will then laugh when we get to the fourth and I say "you have used up all the answers I have" , he is able to laugh and stop doing it. He often then says his brain is just not working right and his memory stinks so there is a lot of insight there. Just keep remembering it is the damaged brain talking, not really that husband you love.
I cried when I read the message and the answers. My husband, aged 64, has been diagnosed with dementia, but not yet had a title for it, or medication. I have the same problem with the repeated questions, and although I have never been a patient person, have found the strength from somewhere. I always think, well if I feel like this, how must he feel.He certainly doesn't want to be like he is, and we just go from day to day, hoping that one of the many research projects will come up with something before it gets too late.
Coping tips: My husband keeps repeating the same question
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